Monthly Archives: September 2012

How motherhood has changed me

I recently read an article on a parenting website titled ‘You know you’re a Mum when..’

I wasn’t impressed and thought I could do better, so here is my list of how I’ve changed since becoming a mother:

I’ve become a road rager

If anyone cuts me off in the car with the kids, they are greeted with lots of fist thumping and yelling. We actually had someone run into the back of us while we were in a parked car and although the kids weren’t hurt or scared, I threw myself out of our car and raced up to the car who hit us and blasted the crap out of them.  I was out of control. The message is: don’t put my kids in danger or their Mum turns into a screaming banshee!

A sunny day makes me want to do a load of washing

If my 19-year-old self saw how excited I got about doing four loads of washing and hanging them out on the washing line on a sunny day, I think she would slap me! And then she would roll her eyes at me making sure that I hung up matching socks next to each other on the washing line.

Time to myself is a precious commodity

Any moment I have to myself now, is like gold,  Whether it’s going to the toilet, having a shower, going to bed before my husband or driving home from work. Sometimes when my husband suggests we have a shower together I want to scream out “Noooooo.  It’s my only chance for a bit of space!”

I’m easy to spoil

Wanna get me the perfect gift? Give me a sleep in, and get the kids fed and dressed.  That’s it.  That’s all it takes to keep me happy!

I’m a wowser

Back in the good old days, I could knock back jugs of beer and then have tequila shots. And THEN I could go to work the next day. Mind you, ‘work’ was standing in a department store selling menswear.

Now, if I have a beer, the next day I have a revolting headache.  Give me a glass of red wine and my sinuses blow up so much I sound like I have a peg on my nose.

I say things that my Mum used to say

You know the classics, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”; “Don’t make me say it again”; and  “Do you want me to give you a smack?”

I’ve developed a ‘Mum look’

Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror and can’t believe how Mumsy I look!


My uniform on the weekends is jeans, Converse sneakers,t-shirt – and if it’s cold – a fleece top.

My uniform after work is tracksuit pants, a t-shirt, windcheater and ugg boots.


I can switch from nice to angry in a heartbeat

One minute I am loving spending every minute with my kids and am smothering them in hugs and kisses, and the next I could easily trade them in. I think the trade off for loving someone so intensely and completely is that they can hurt you so easily.

Sometimes my daughter suddenly decides that things have been too nice for too long and wants to see how far she can push Mummy.  She knows all my buttons and she pushes them mercifully.

I have to remind myself to have sex with my husband

Yep, that’s right.  If I had my way, I would usually choose sleep over sex.

Sleep is gold

I knew I would be tired once I had kids, but it is a whole new level of EXHAUSTION – beyond anything I could ever imagine! And the amazing thing is that I can work through it and get heaps done.  But I do collapse in a heap at the end the day.

Now I have to take nana naps on the middle of the day on weekends!  Rock and roll!

My bullshit and time wasting tolerance is low, low, low

My motto is: if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. I’m in the business of public relations, so don’t try to spin the spinner, man!

I have zero tolerance for time wasters and bullshitters because I am time poor, too tired and cynical!

Don’t stuff me about in over long meetings that go nowhere.  I have to leave work at 5.30pm every night to pick up my kids from school/day care so God help you if you muck me around and make me late!

Are there any other Mums out there who can relate? Isn’t it crazy how far away we seem to have drifted from our old selves?

Warning: now for the soppy part 

Even though the changes are not all great, I love this Mum gig!


The truth has slapped me in the face

Well, metaphorically anyway.  The truth is that it was my thighs that were slapping – and not my face, but against each other!

The other day I had finally dragged myself off my couch and decided to do an exercise DVD.

While I was jumping up and down and jogging on the spot, I heard a weird slapping sound like two seal flippers banging against each other.

With horror I realised it was the back of my thighs slapping up against my enormous ass!

It’s bad enough that I can feel everything jiggling now when before I was fit and toned, but now my body is making NOISE!!!

For me, there always has to be a trigger to wake me up from my delusions that I haven’t really put on much weight.  And this was it.  Plus, yesterday I realised that I wasn’t comfortable in my jeans and caught myself pulling my top down over my muffin top.

I did not want to be this person again, and yet, here I am!

So today was my last day of doom and gloom eating and feeling worry for myself.  Of thinking that I still looked OK in the mirror and that I was just a womanly pear shape. Because the pear has become more of an upside down melted ice cream that oozing out of my clothes.

You’d think that being on a more restricted FODMAPS diet, cutting out lots of carbs and processed foods would have the weight falling off me.  But I struggle because the normal healthy things I was eating when I needed a snack, are out of question now, so I am reaching for things that I know won’t hurt my tummy (and sometimes things that I know will) such as chocolate and plain chips.

I know the main issue is lack of exercise, which I have been struggling with since getting so sick in winter. Blah, blah, blah excuses, excuses.

I figure I’ve got three and a half months until I turn 40 and I want to feel more like me when I hit the big 4-0.  But even closer is summer and the prospect of wearing floaty fabrics, and going to the pool with my kids, exposing my cottage cheese thighs to the world – eeeekk!

Today was like my last meal day.  I had pancakes for breakfast, leftover birthday cake from my husband’s 40th party yesterday, lots of leftover dips, cupcakes and even ice cream (a big FODMAPS no no).

Tomorrow is Day One.  Fingers crossed!