Monthly Archives: March 2013

A note to all the people who have annoyed me today

To the woman at the gym:

Once you’ve finished using a piece of gym equipment – get up and go! Don’t sit on it and have a lovely chit chat to your friend on the equipment next to you. And don’t pretend that you can’t see me in the mirror glaring at you!

To the idiot neighbour doing DIY at midnight last night:

It was a very hot night and I’m sure everyone was having trouble sleeping; so why would you think it’s a good idea to start up your saw and do some DIY? It wasn’t.

To the guy scratching his private parts while waiting for the pedestrian lights to change:

Do you honestly think you are invisible?! You’re not.

To the person down the road who has placed a sign on the footpath selling a stereo:

You do not spell stereo as ‘sterio’. Why make us all suffer through your bad spelling?

To the lifestyle magazine I read espousing the genius design of having a vertical garden in the kitchen:

How will these plants grow without being in the sun? And how can you water the pots that are at the top of the wall? And where will the excess water go? Think, people!

 

 

 

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Living in a river in Egypt

I’ve been thinking lately about how much I am living in denial (denial/de Nile/a river in Egypt, get it? Comedy gold!).

I WILL NOT lose weight if I keep sneaking in little bits of chocolate.

I WILL NOT ever be the same weight as I was before kids.

I WILL NOT ever have the same sex drive as I did before kids (sorry, hubby but it’s the truth).

I WILL NOT get rid of those pesky little wrinkles by slathering my face with anti-wrinkle cream.

I WILL NOT bump into Brad Pitt in the street and have him fall madly in lust with me (although, the way he’s looking at the moment, maybe it’s time to move on to a new celebrity affair pass).

I WILL NOT suddenly have double the amount of funds in my bank account just because I’ve checked the balance a few times in the one day.

I WILL NOT be offered a job that will pay me double what I’m currently on but with half the responsibility and work hours.

But I can keep dreaming…..