Monthly Archives: November 2013

Being a lioness

There are lots of things I’ve learned since being a mother.

Like how to do the ‘Incey Wincey Spider’ hand movements without getting my fingers twisted up.

Like how to unscrew the battery compartment in toys with the tip of a steak knife when you don’t have the world’s smallest screwdriver handy.

lioness-protects-cubsBut being a mother has also taught me things about myself. And not all of them are nice.

For example, I can turn into a rampaging lioness at the slightest provocation.

I remember being at the shops with my beautiful little daughter who would wave and giggle and smile at strangers. She was the most adorable thing. But some people would not smile back at her. And that got me angry.

I felt like yelling, “Hey! What. Is. Wrong. With. You??!!! Why aren’t you smiling back? Have you got a heart of stone? Smile at my daughter, dammit!”

And then there was the car park incident.

I was driving up my street with both kids in the car and a large car was behind me, driving way too close for comfort. All I cold see in my rearview mirror was his dashboard.

I became quite annoyed and kept thinking that if I just put my foot on the brake slightly, he would ram up the back of my car and my kids may be injured.

So I quickly turned into my driveway and he swerved around me, went up on the footpath and then entered the car park of the liquor store that was across the road from me. At the same time my husband arrived home too.

So what did I do? In a fit of blind rage that this person had potentially put me at rick of having an accident with my kids in the car, I got out and ran across the road.

I raced up to the (very tall) man and blasted him for putting us all at risk. I waved my fist at him (it reached his belly button) and used some choice words.

It was great entertainment for the others in the car park and would have been very bizarre for my husband to see, as he didn’t know the context. From what he could gather, his wife had parked the car, ran up to a strange man and was now abusing him in public!

In my mind I was unleashing the full fury of a lioness protecting her cubs.

In his mind, I was a shrieking banshee that barely came up to his elbow.

And what was his response?

He walked away!

I’m sure once he got into the shop, he cried like a little girl and made sure I was gone before he walked back to his car.

Because you just don’t wanna mess with my kids – alright? It won’t be pretty.

Be careful what you wish for

I read the funniest quote the other day from Kim Kardashian about her daughter, North, and her fashion sense: “North likes sweet things that are not too frilly”.

North is four months old! She could be dressed up in cabbage leaves and wouldn’t make a fuss. So how could she possibly have an opinion on fashion?!

Don’t you miss the days when the kids couldn’t talk and for a short time there, your way was the only way? They didn’t talk back or question things; and were just little sponges that soaked everything up.

You could dress them up in sweet outfits, and they wouldn’t scowl or grizzle. In fact, they wouldn’t whinge or grizzle at all!

They couldn’t complain about the music you listened to, or how bad your singing voice was. And they couldn’t tell you if you were embarrassing them in front of their friends!

ImageThey wouldn’t ask why Miley Cyrus is always sticking out her tongue. Or how babies are made.

And you had no idea whether you had mucked up as a parent, because they weren’t able to repeat back any of the things you’ve said to them when you were a bit tired and emotional.

Like telling their toys to “for goodness sake, pick your clothes up off the floor! ” or yelling at their teddy to “got to your room and don’t come out until I say so!”. Yikes.

When they are little, all I wished was for them to talk so I could know what was going on in their sweet little heads. And now that they are talking, there are times I wish they could just sit still and stay quiet! Ah, those were the days!

I’d like to thank the Academy…

The little man in my WordPress blog account has just told me that I have reached 100 ‘Likes’ on my humble little blog.

Woohoo!Image

So in the tradition of soppy Academy acceptance speeches – and a special shout out to Sally Field – I want to say:

You like me, you really like me!

(sobs through a big toothy grin)

Thank you to all of you who took the time to click on the ‘Like’ button.

And a big smoochy kiss and hug to all of you who Like my Facebook page or have opted to receive my posts in your Inbox.

It’s a big commitment from you all and I don’t take it lightly.

Love you all!

 

Questions for a celebrity Yummy Mummy

Who's up for making mud pies in the backyard?
 

Dear celebrity Yummy Mummy

You must be exhausted; what with all the preening and prepping you need to do before you step out the door.

I was thinking of you this morning, as I laid out my outfit for the day on the bed:

  • Bonds black tracksuit pants
  • flesh coloured bra
  • pink t-shirt
  • Bonds grey windcheater

I was wondering if you ever wear the same outfit as me and delight in its simplicity and comfort. Or would you shudder at the thought of stepping out the door in it?

What would you wear for a lazy Sunday spent being active with the kids? Some designer skinny cargo pants perhaps? Or designer gym gear that costs more than a yearly membership? I truly do wonder.

Image
I just threw this outfit together in a second – really!

And as I quickly blow dried my hair and placed some concealer over the dark shadows under my eyes, I wondered what your daily beauty routine is. Do you scrutinise your face each morning – even on weekends? How do you always look so fabulous? Do you have an in-house beautician? Do you ever just think “F__k it, I’m going bare faced today!”?

How do you move in some of the outfits you wear?  I see photos of you dropping your kids off at school dressed in tight jeans, black knee high boots and a lovely coat.

Do you quickly change out of these clothes when you get home and it’s time to catch up on some housework? Or do you wear those jeans and tops to do the washing and hang out the clothes? Are the jeans hard to bend in when you are picking up toys off the floor?

And do your beautiful shoes/boots get covered in mud when you walk out to the clothesline in your backyard on a wet, soggy day?

Do you stay in these outfits to play with your kids? How do you sit cross legged on the floor in skinny jeans and boots?

How long does it take to do your hair? Do you ever wash it and leave it wet to dry naturally? Do you ever jab in a hair clip to keep it out of your face while you make the kids breakfast in your dressing gown? I do.

Do you have a fluffy, daggy dressing gown that you like to wear over your comfy pyjamas? One that you bought at Coles for $10? And do you wear it with slippers while you are sitting on the couch watching TV after a busy day at work?

So many questions! Feel free to call me for a coffee catch up and we can chat some more.

But give me plenty of notice, so I can squeeze in a trip to the hairdressers, beauty salon and stylist!

Dear Target

Dear Target

Why are you trying to turn my little girl into a fashionista?

"Oh Mum, this look is SO 2012..."
“Oh Mum, this look is SO 2012…”

All her life she has been wearing your clothing and her ‘look’ has been quite consistent: leggings, t-shirts, long sleeve tops, plain dresses, and windcheaters.

She always looked good, and sometimes a bit quirky once she started choosing her own outfits.

She has pretty much been a Target kid since day dot (with a healthy dose of Cotton On Kids and Pumpkin Patch thrown in for good measure).

She was a childcare kid, which meant her clothes were simple and robust. Now she’s a Grade Oner* and wears a uniform to school, so her clothes are still pretty normal and low key.

But now she has grown out of your children’s range and is reliant on your size 7+ clothes. And that’s where the problem lies.

Your big kid clothes are too fashionable!

It would be fine if I wanted a fashionable mini me, but she is only seven and doesn’t care about wearing the latest looks (thank goodness!).

We went in to your store today to have a look around and she turned up her nose at everything you had there (apart from the butterfly t-shirt).

She doesn’t want to wear faded jeans with holes already in them. She couldn’t understand why you were selling “broken jeans”.

She doesn’t want to wear t-shirts with loud graphic prints. Or ones with silly slogans.

She doesn’t want to wear harem pants  and off the shoulder tops.

She just wants clothes that are comfy to play in.

So for now, you’ve lost us.

It’s going to be hard, but we have to move on.

Don’t miss us too much!

*a made up word.

The Karate Kid

Don't mess with me, orright? I do Body Combat!
Just like looking in a mirror!

The large bald man stands in front of me. Sweat drips down his face and his eyes are steely.

He holds up one closed fist. “This one’s called Pleasure.” Then he holds up the other one. “This one’s called “Pain.”

And I have to stifle a laugh and a snort.

Today was my fourth Body Combat class and it’s a hoot.  What keeps me coming back is the intensity of the instructor and the absolute seriousness of his manner.

As we are jabbing and punching and kicking, he is yelling out “Grab him! Is he getting away?! Oh no he’s not! Kick him and then smash his nose with your elbow!”

It’s so non-PC and there’s lots of yelling and screaming. And it is so much fun.

At the end of each session I feel like I’ve beaten up all the people that have annoyed me through the week.

And if I avoid watching myself in the mirror, I feel like I’ve spent 55 minutes giving Uma Thurman in ‘Kill Bill’ a run for her money.

But only if i avoid the mirror. If I look in the mirror, I see a 5 foot nothing, slightly chubby woman who is very red-faced, very puffed, and very sweaty.

And after all this punching, yelling, empowerment, sweating, and kicking, I come back home to the kids and they get to enjoy a much calmer Mummy!